Fuel: Relate
Welcome to Fuel! Fuel is a series of four fun, interactive workshops designed to empower you with knowledge and skills to manage your wellbeing in a variety of different ways: Relate, Radiate, Regulate, and Recalibrate.
This is the first of four Fuel blogs to help you reflect on and delve deeper into what we learnt about in the session in school. You may have arrived here via the QR code on your Fuel: Relate postcard.
You will hopefully have already completed a love languages quiz, discovered your main love languages and learnt some of the basics about how love languages work in the first Fuel session.
For those who missed it, Gary Chapman, an American author, wrote a famous book about how each of us feels loved more or less by certain types of behaviour in a relationship. These behaviours are split into five main categories: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. These love languages are relevant in all types of relationships including friendships, familial and romantic relationships.
If you haven't completed the quiz, here's a link to check it out. (You may want to encourage other people you know to do it too)!
For those who have completed the quiz, here's a bit more info about what each love language is like:
Words of Affirmation
This is all about the power of what you say, whether it's written in a text message or spoken aloud. For some people, a simple "it was great to see you today" or "I'm proud of the effort you put in" means more than any gift ever could. It’s not about empty flattery, but about noticing the little things and actually saying them out loud. On the flip side, harsh words or insults can hurt someone with this language much deeper than others.
Acts of Service
For these people, actions speak much louder than words. It’s the friend who helps you with a school project or the sibling who offers to help you study for a test when they see you're stressed. They feel loved when someone notices they are struggling and steps in to make their life a little easier. It’s not about doing "chores," but about the effort and thought behind the help. To them, "let me help you with that" is the ultimate "I care about you."
Receiving Gifts
This isn't about being "spoiled" or wanting expensive things; it’s about the thought behind the object. A person with this language feels special when a friend sees their favourite chocolate bar and buys it for them "just because." The gift is a physical symbol that says, "I was thinking about you even when we weren't together." Even a small, handmade card can be a huge deal. It’s the "thinking of you" factor that carries the emotional weight.
Quality Time
This is about giving someone your undivided attention, which - let’s be honest -usually means putting the phone away. Whether it’s going for a walk, playing a video game together, or just sitting and talking, the focus is on being truly "present." People with this language feel most connected when they aren't competing with a screen or a crowd for your time. It’s the shared experience that builds the bond.
Physical Touch
This is about high-fives, fist bumps, and great big hugs. It’s even just sitting closer together on the sofa while watching a movie with a friend or family member. Small, appropriate physical gestures provide a sense of security and belonging. For these people, a physical connection is a direct way of feeling "seen" and supported. It’s a silent way of saying, "I’m here with you."
Remember, each of us is inclined to give love in the language we like to receive it. This is simply because it comes most naturally to us. For example, if your top love language is Receiving Gifts, your instinct will most likely be to buy your friends a gift if you want to celebrate them. It's important to recognise that we might have different love languages than those we're close to. Therefore, it's a brilliant idea to use your awareness of love languages and chat to your friends and family to check in about what makes them feel special and valued.
Moving on, here's a reminder of the five top tips we shared in the session and some further thoughts on them:
One: Surround yourself with solid people
"You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." This quote is commonly attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohn. Whoever said it, it's a provocative thought and a useful idea to be aware of. As much as our world gives a huge amount of credence to individualism, it's hard to deny that we are shaped in no small way by those who we spend time with. These days, it would be naive to think of the people we spend the most time with as those we actually know and hang out with in the real world. The voices of the online world increasingly compete for our time and attention. What impact are the influencers or influences you 'spend time with' online having on your relationships and the way you interact with others?
Two: Get to know yourself
It's not a good idea to expect our friends and family to be able to read our minds when it comes to what makes us feel loved, valued and accepted. First, it's helpful to spend time reflecting on what makes us tick in any relationship. Then, when we have other things in place like trust and communication, we will be able to talk with those closest to us about what we find helpful. Moreover, the more we learn from and grow from our own experiences in relationships, the more knowledge and experience we will have to be able to empathise with others. If you're interested, there are insightful tools out there like Love Languages, Enneagram and Myers-Briggs to help with developing self-awareness. None of these tools are fool-proof but they do provide a useful start point for reflection.
Three: You are just one part of any relationship
Each of us usually has at least some degree of influence in all of our relationships. (It's important to acknowledge there are exceptions were power and vulnerability imbalances affect this). Almost all of the time, we each have a responsibility for how positive our interactions and connections are. If we recognise this responsibility and take it seriously, it will likely have a huge impact on our relationships. This responsibility is a beautiful thing when properly understood. We have the power to make the world around us brighter - to bring energy, positivity, laughter, learning and unity to our small spheres of influence. We all smile in the same language.
Four: We all mess up
No one is perfect. Therefore, without forgiveness, no relationship is going to last. This doesn't mean you should allow people to walk all over you. Of course, boundaries and expectations are vital. However, it does mean treating others' mistakes in the same way you would like them to treat your mistakes: with grace. It means trying to give others the benefit of the doubt. Forgiveness doesn't always look like getting back together again or being friends forever. Forgiveness sometimes looks like reconciliation or restoration of a relationship, other times it means letting go. It is an internal posture as much as it is outward action. Occasionally, forgiveness is what allows us to move on from unhealthy relationships in a healthy way while on other occasions forgiveness is the fuel that keeps our most important relationships going.
Five: Talk AND Listen
Communication is a fundamental part of healthy relationships. But, let's be honest, how many of us hear the term good communication and think only of people who are good at getting their point across. Communication is not a one way street. It's as much about listening as it is speaking. Think of the last time you felt really listened to. How valued did it make you feel? Good listeners demonstrate that the person they are listening to matters to them. Active listening is a brilliant skill.
Finally, here's a wonderful Ted-Ed video on being a better friend:
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