Real Talk: How to Connect with Teens

Talking to teenagers can sometimes feel like decoding a secret language, one moment they’re open and funny, the next it’s one-word answers, eye-rolls or silence. But behind every shrug is a young person who wants to be understood. The key isn’t having the perfect words, it’s showing up with patience, curiosity, and care. We recognise this is easier said than done sometimes!

Whether you’re a parent, carer, teacher, or youth worker, these 5 tips can help you build stronger, more open communication. Every young person is different, so think of these as ingredients (not a recipe) that you can adapt for your relationship.

1. Stay Curious, Not Critical

When teens share something surprising or hard to hear, it’s natural to react quickly, maybe to question, correct, or protect. But curiosity keeps the door open; criticism closes it fast. Try this:

• Ask gentle, open questions like “What made you feel that way?” or “Tell me more about that.”
• If you disagree, focus on understanding first: “I can see why that matters to you — can you help me see your perspective?”

Avoid jumping straight to advice or consequences. Sometimes they’re looking for empathy, not a fix. For more on empathy, check out this video by Brené Brown.

Remember, curiosity says “I care about your world.” Criticism says “You’re doing it wrong.” Teens are far more likely to keep talking when they feel respected, not judged.

2. Talk Off Topic

Not every chat needs to be serious. In fact, light, everyday conversations lay the groundwork for the big ones. Try this:

• Chat about random topics — a funny TikTok, a meal you cooked, or a TV show you both like. Even if their music, social media, or gaming choices baffle you, showing genuine interest sends the powerful message that their world matters to you. So ask, learn and engage.
• Teens often open up when there’s no expectation to. Think of it as building conversational muscles — the more small talks you have, the easier the deeper ones will become. Not every talk has to have a “lesson.”
• Notice what they light up about and follow that thread. It can lead to insights about what brings them joy or stress.

3. Listen More Than You Speak

Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop talking. When young people feel truly listened to, it can be incredibly powerful. Listening builds trust and shows that their thoughts are worth hearing. The goal isn’t to fix every problem — it’s to make sure they know they’re not facing it alone. Try this:

• Use active listening — make eye contact, nod, and reflect back what you hear (“That sounds really tough”).
• Resist the urge to fill silence. A pause might just mean they’re gathering their thoughts. Often if met with a gap people go on to add to their thought and delve deeper.
• When you do respond, keep it short and calm.

4. Talk While Doing Something

Not all teens want to sit down for a “serious chat.” Many open up more when the focus isn’t entirely on them. Doing something together takes pressure off and allows emotions to surface in a way that feels safe. Shared activity also reinforces bonds and relationships. Try this:

• Chat when on a walk, drive or cooking together, side-by-side activities reduce the intensity of a face-to-face talk with lots of eye contact.
• Let the conversation drift naturally; don’t force a topic.
• Keep it casual — a simple “You seemed quiet today. Everything okay?” can be all it takes. 

5. Be Honest and Authentic

Teenagers are experts at spotting insincerity. When you’re open, real, and vulnerable, you create an environment where they can be too (even about the messier parts of life!) Try this:

• Admit when you don’t know something: “That’s a good question — let’s find out together.”
• Be upfront about your feelings, but without blame: “I get worried when I don’t hear from you — can we find a way to check in that works for both of us?”
• Share small bits of your own experience, especially times you struggled or learned from mistakes. 

Sometimes good conversations mean pausing our own emotions, the frustration, worry, or urge to fix things, so we can really listen. It’s not about ignoring how we feel, but setting it aside long enough to focus on what our young person needs at that moment. So take a breath, start small and remember to take care of yourself  and seek support too.

By staying curious, being genuine, and meeting them where they are, you create a foundation of trust. And in that space, somewhere between the jokes, silences, and side-by-side chats, the door is open to real conversations about wellbeing, emotions, and life.

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