Hope to fit in or choose to be present?

September is here. Hopefully, the start of the new school year gives you a chance to reconnect with old friends after a long summer break. At the same time, new beginnings often bring opportunities for new friendships, particularly if you’re starting at a new school. Meeting people for the first time may make you feel like you’re experiencing a whirlwind of emotions all at once, especially if you’re more introverted. On the other hand, if you’re extroverted, you may be feeling pure joy at the prospect of conversing with swarms of fresh faces. 

Wherever you fall on the personality scale, I’d like to reiterate that timeless advice such as join clubs, be yourself and be kind still stands.

I’d also like to suggest that you should try choosing to be present instead of hoping to fit in. 

Why? 

Hoping to fit in is a passive state. It's like waiting on the sidelines of your own life, hoping someone will notice you and pull you into the game. When you're in this mindset, your focus is on how others perceive you. You might:

• Wait for someone to talk to you first: You stand on the edge of a group or sit alone in the canteen, thinking, "If someone wanted to be my friend, they would come over."
• Act busy or look at your phone: This is a common way to avoid vulnerability. You create a barrier, hoping that someone will be brave enough to break through it and 'rescue' you from your screen.
• Change yourself to fit in: You might modify your interests, humour, or even your personality to try and appeal to a group you want to join. The hope is that if you seem "cool enough," you'll be accepted.

This approach is exhausting because it puts all the power in someone else's hands. It's a game of waiting and guessing, and it's a very lonely one because the focus is on validation rather than connection.

Choosing to Be Present is an active and courageous state. It's about taking control of your own experience, not from a place of ego, but from a place of genuine curiosity about the world and the people in it. When you choose to be present, you are grounded in the here and now. You:

• Focus on the conversation, not the outcome: You're not thinking, "Is this person going to like me?" You're thinking, "This is an interesting person; I wonder what they’re about." You listen to what they're saying and respond authentically.
• Initiate small interactions: You’re willing to make the first move, even if it’s just a smile or a simple compliment. You understand that a connection starts with a spark, and you’re willing to be the one to light it. You'll often find there are others who are just as nervous as you are about speaking to new people. By starting conversations you're displaying courage and making a real difference to others by reaching out. 
• Be comfortable in your own skin: You accept yourself for who you are. This doesn't mean you're perfect, but it does mean you’re not pretending to be someone else to gain approval. This authenticity is contagious because it allows others to be themselves around you, too.

Ultimately, choosing to be present is the key to building real friendships. It frees you from the exhausting cycle of seeking approval and allows you to find people who connect with the real you. It’s about participating in your own life and understanding that the best friendships aren't found by waiting to fit in, but by showing up and being truly present.